Thursday, 28 October 2010


I am now a published illustrator!

Sunday, 24 October 2010

Dodgy old me

I have a soft spot for songs about older men who love younger girls. Perhaps it's this obsession with songs about older men loving younger girls that led to me being a huge tomb raider and generally only fancying men who are considerably older than me. Or perhaps not.  Anyway here is a selection of great songs dealing with the subject.

Gary Puckett and the Union Gap - Young Girl

When i was little i absolutely loved this song. I have distinct memories of singing along to it on long car journeys with my family around age 7. And i still think it's marvellous! I love songs like this that tell a story, in one 3 minute song you really become involved in the relationship of the characters. The way that Gary sings really hits me because he sounds so very pained it becomes almost poignant. But it's so cheesy and silly I can't take it seriously and it just makes me really happy. Also I love the part in the video where that terrifying doll lurches to the front of the screen all of a sudden.
Poor Gary at least knows that his love is wrong, it's the Lolitaish girl who's instigated this whole mess! But lyrics like 'Get out of here before i have the time to change my mind cause im afraid we'll go too far' are slightly distressing! It's also the only one of these songs which is definately about a girl who is underage, the rest just refer to young girls but presumably mean young women, not children. But Gary didn't know ok!

Little Girls by Oingo Boingo

Apparently this was written by Mr Elfman because he often saw people in hollywood driving around with really, really young women and was disgusted by it. So he wrote this song about how loving young girls is great because they're easier to be in a relationship with than a mature woman as they don't ask questions or threaten the bloke intellectually.  It's got a more serious meaning than the others as it investigates (rather cynically) the reasons why men might choose to date women considerably younger than themselves  but still remains hideously catchy and fun. I love singing and dancing along to it.

Young Girls by Sparks

I had a cd of Sparks songs that came with footnotes written by Russell and Ron and the caption for this was something like ' Yes your honour, it's all about being a dirty old man'. Enough said!

Does Your Mother Know by Abba

I like this one because of how indifferent the singers character is about the situation. He's happy to flirt, chat,  dance and so on with the young girl but just drawers the line at sex. The whole thing has a kind of tongue-in-cheek humour as if he's laughing at the situation even though it's obvious that this young girl is persuing him agressively. He knows that this girl (who presumably is underage) wants just one thing from him but instead of being disturbed or taking it seriously at all just laughs that she should probably go home to her mum.
And check out those dance moves!

And now a song i like by a man who actually loves little girls:

Oh dear.
I find it odd that Gary Glitter's music has a huge stigma attached to it while Michael Jackson's does not. I guess it's because Gary is almost definately a paedophile, whereas Michael was only possibly a paedophile and that makes all the difference. Also one of the (most ridiculous) reasons people gave that Michael couldn't possibly have touched kids is that his music is meant to give love to the world and apparently Mr Glitter's isn't.  But if you can ignore the uneasy feeling that comes from listening to a convicted child molester asking if you want to touch him there, it's really fun and catchy like most of his songs. And I like his silly glam wardrobe. The sick fuck.

I can't think of any more songs about young girl love except the Police's dont stand so close to me and i hate the police so that one doesn't count!

Reason number 1 why Sparks are the greatest band in existance

This video:

Now a lot of people go on about how weird videos like Come to Daddy by Aphex twin are but my word the first time i saw this one i was just dumbfounded by how incredibly bizarre it all is.
Children doing ring around  the roses at night/ around a fake apple tree/ pantomime cow head.
Ron Mael grinning malevolantly and wearing various creepy rubber animal masks and at one point weird twiggy hands.
Ron Mael weirdly squishing his wolf mask for a while.
A pantomime cow that appears for no apparent reason reflected in Russell's glasses.
It turning out that the cow is Ron.
And all the while Russell Mael is just in the background singing and doing his weird shoulder dance!

The whole thing would be a lot less weird if it was the video to, say, Young Girls, which has it's only paedophillic tones but Funny Face has a very clear story which has absolutely nothing to do with anything that goes on in the video!

And that's why they are great.

Friday, 25 June 2010

Oh Mother

Last night my Mum came in from watering the garden very angry and upset. She explained that someone had stolen our Monkeypuzzle tree.
Now Monkeypuzzle's are notoriously slow growing, so even though we've had the tree for at least 10 years it is still only about 4 foot tall, if that, so it was feasible someone could carry it off. However it is incredibly prickly and situated up our drive right near our house, meaning someone would have had to come up to our door, seen the tree, then come back at night with protective gloves, dug it up and carried it off. So you can understand why i was a bit skeptical. However my mother was absolutely adamant, claiming that you could see the disturbed patch of earth where it once was. I still didn't believe her, so i went out to see for myself. I wasn't absolutely sure where it had been before (don't really pay too much attention to it) but new whereabouts it had been so checked and sure enough there was a bare patch of earth that looked like it had recently been turned. So i figured she was right and came back in without investigating thoroughly. We were both a bit sad and i was very confused. I mean who steals a tree? (although have since found out that someone stole a shrub from    garden once)

Anyway if you follow me you may have seen that i posted about it on twitter and my facebook as i thought it was rather amusing.
Then this morning my Mum told me sheepishly that it was actually still in our garden, it had just been hidden by some overgrown Box leaves.

This would only be vaguely amusing, however this is not the first time my Mum has claimed something of hers has been stolen.

Years ago we were on holiday and went to the cinema. My Mum had worn one of her favourite berets out and realised after we left the cinema that she no longer had it. Having sworn she had it in the cinema she decided to go back and had us all and several Usherettes searching for it. Nothing turned up. So we all checked all in our car but,finding nothing, my Mum decided (she was deadly serious) that someone had broken into our car and stolen her hat. Anyway she was very sad for ages and we all felt bad for her, not believing a thief would steal a beret and nothing else but none the less feeling sorry she had lost it.
Then she went very quiet and, after a while, told us, in a very small voice, that she had found it. It was in her handbag the whole time.

And, not related to her claiming people have stolen her stuff but still an amusing story involving my Mum's oddness:
Once my Mum was given as a gift a novelty 'fully functioning chocolate teapot'. Now, i'm sure it will be clear to anyone reading this that the idea of this present is a joke, as obviously you cannot use chocolate as a teapot (in fact there's that saying along the same vein 'as useful as a chocolate fireguard'). However my Mum was determined to use it and make a chocolate imbued tea. I warned her repeatedly that it wouldn't work but she swore adamantly that it had to work because it said it was 'fully functioning' on the box (i told her that that was just part of the gag but she did not listen). So eventually i gave up trying to tell her and just watched the mayhem unfold.
She shoved a teabag into the teapot (it was miniature which you'd think would be another clue that it wouldn't work...), poured in boiling water and stood back. For a few seconds she was triumphant, laughing at my dismissal of the brilliant new invention but then suddenly it imploded, covering the table in hot water and melting slightly tea flavoured chocolate. Mum was silent. I was smug.

Thursday, 17 June 2010

You'll be a Staaaaarrr Maaaannn. Andrew Stone my dream lover.

Last night i had a very loving and sexual dream about Andrew Stone from Pineapple Dance Studios.
Those of you who haven't watched Pineapple... i must say i pity you, in my opinion it was the greatest new program to appear on UK screens for years. Basically it's a reality tv series following the many wonderful and often insane personalities who frequent the studio.

Andrew is one of the teachers at the studio and also is the lead singer of the band Starman. I must say i really like Andrew and have quite a big crush on him. He is a member of one of my favourie types of men: The Harmless Prat.

You see Andrew (from what i have ascertained from the program anyway) has a lot of bad qualities. He is pretentious, incredibly arrogant, self agrandising, vain, rather pervy and overbearing and yet he is very loveable.
You see there is nothing cruel or nasty about him in any way, shape or form. As someone who is certain he is 'the shit' you might expect him to look down his nose at the little people, but he is always friendly and kind. Underneath the arrogance and slight creepiness there's a definate sweetness. There are moments in the show where he is completely genuine and really tender. While he clearly loves himself he is not above taking the piss of himself. There's something innocent about him too, even when he's perving over shop assistants or describing himself as 'sexually organic'. I think it has to do with him being so eager to please, like a small child, he really wants to be loved by everyone, and while this does come across as a little pathetic, it is also sweet and makes me just want to give him a big cuddle against my large matronly bosom and tell him he's loved.

I also am astounded by his insane levels of self confidence, having low self esteem myself i am always amazed by people who have such high opinions of themselves. I really admire the honesty and lack of false modesty. He thinks he is amazing, talented and sexy so why should he pretend to not feel that way? It's refreshing in a way.

 I just find him really very endearing.

He's clearly an amazing dancer and has a real passion and love for it. Also i found this article here and really love what he says:
'Don't ever get wrapped up with what other people think you should look like. It's what you dance like which is what matters. It's the imperfections that make you perfect.
All I require of people when they come to my class is this, you don't have to be the best, you don't have to do it well, but give me 100% and I'll give you 100%. Find out what you love and dedicate yourself to it.'
It makes me happy because i am plump, unfit and generally completely unsuitable to be a dancer, but i love dancing. I've never been to classes due to my shyness and lack of confidence, but i would love to learn to dance properly.  Going clubbing and throwing shapes and showing off my (rather rubbish) moves makes me feel alive and so, so happy. So it's nice that someone from such a prestigious dance school, who could be rather snobbish, instead seems genuinely to just care about the passion his students feel and not care about things like how fit they are, but just wants them to try their best.

I also think he's very handsome. And i like Starman's music, it's so camp and fun!

...It's dead creepy when he does the splits while sitting down though, crotch pointing straight at the camera and legs akimo, toes pointing ballet style.

Anyway in my dream for some reason i was on a camping trip with my friend Xenia, a bunch of people who only exist in the dream and Andrew. Andrew had a giant portable cabin thing instead of a tent and i decided to stay with him because i couldn't be bothered to put up my own tent. We decided to have sex and he got fed up with me because while he waited, naked on the bed, i kept doing things like cleaning my teeth and washing my face and generally just wandering around the little cabin in unattractive pyjamas. But then i finally went to bed with him and we had a cuddle and he started crying out of happiness. I woke up before anything else happened :P

Theres a very interesting article on him here. And check out Starman's official website to listen to their camp disco-pop music.

Monday, 14 June 2010


My cash windfall was a lot less than i was expecting. So no Sinclair C5 for me :(
It's very silly of me, as i am still a LOT better off than i was before, but i'm really rather sad about it. I was looking forward to treating myself to something nice but now i had better not because this way i will stay out of the dreaded overdraft. Oh well, at least i can afford to buy some canvases and a projector :)

I have to go to my sisters house and feed her ferrets. I really love them but it's a 3 hour round trip just to stay there for 5 minutes so it's rather irritating.

Sunday, 13 June 2010

My stupid stupid lust for nonsensical items.

About 2 days ago i discovered, to my surprise and great joy, that i am to come into rather a large sum of money. I am of course delighted as it will get me out of my overdraft and will stop my fiancial worries for now, as long as i am not silly. I am planning to put the vast majority of it into savings but am going to treat myself a little.

Now i am going to buy some sensible things, art supplies, books for inspiration etc. And a small amount of makeup and clothing and such 'normal' things. However my brain appears to be ncredibly stupid. It s crying out for me to make a ridiculous purchase, something i have always fancied but could never ever possibly need. A thing so utterly ludicrous that the rational parts of my mind are screaming at me for even contemplating wanting it, even in jest.

And what is this thing, this utterly stupid thing?

A sinclair C5!

...Oh god, i need to get the money into my savings account RIGHT NOW!!