Friday, 25 June 2010

Oh Mother

Last night my Mum came in from watering the garden very angry and upset. She explained that someone had stolen our Monkeypuzzle tree.
Now Monkeypuzzle's are notoriously slow growing, so even though we've had the tree for at least 10 years it is still only about 4 foot tall, if that, so it was feasible someone could carry it off. However it is incredibly prickly and situated up our drive right near our house, meaning someone would have had to come up to our door, seen the tree, then come back at night with protective gloves, dug it up and carried it off. So you can understand why i was a bit skeptical. However my mother was absolutely adamant, claiming that you could see the disturbed patch of earth where it once was. I still didn't believe her, so i went out to see for myself. I wasn't absolutely sure where it had been before (don't really pay too much attention to it) but new whereabouts it had been so checked and sure enough there was a bare patch of earth that looked like it had recently been turned. So i figured she was right and came back in without investigating thoroughly. We were both a bit sad and i was very confused. I mean who steals a tree? (although have since found out that someone stole a shrub from    garden once)

Anyway if you follow me you may have seen that i posted about it on twitter and my facebook as i thought it was rather amusing.
Then this morning my Mum told me sheepishly that it was actually still in our garden, it had just been hidden by some overgrown Box leaves.

This would only be vaguely amusing, however this is not the first time my Mum has claimed something of hers has been stolen.

Years ago we were on holiday and went to the cinema. My Mum had worn one of her favourite berets out and realised after we left the cinema that she no longer had it. Having sworn she had it in the cinema she decided to go back and had us all and several Usherettes searching for it. Nothing turned up. So we all checked all in our car but,finding nothing, my Mum decided (she was deadly serious) that someone had broken into our car and stolen her hat. Anyway she was very sad for ages and we all felt bad for her, not believing a thief would steal a beret and nothing else but none the less feeling sorry she had lost it.
Then she went very quiet and, after a while, told us, in a very small voice, that she had found it. It was in her handbag the whole time.

And, not related to her claiming people have stolen her stuff but still an amusing story involving my Mum's oddness:
Once my Mum was given as a gift a novelty 'fully functioning chocolate teapot'. Now, i'm sure it will be clear to anyone reading this that the idea of this present is a joke, as obviously you cannot use chocolate as a teapot (in fact there's that saying along the same vein 'as useful as a chocolate fireguard'). However my Mum was determined to use it and make a chocolate imbued tea. I warned her repeatedly that it wouldn't work but she swore adamantly that it had to work because it said it was 'fully functioning' on the box (i told her that that was just part of the gag but she did not listen). So eventually i gave up trying to tell her and just watched the mayhem unfold.
She shoved a teabag into the teapot (it was miniature which you'd think would be another clue that it wouldn't work...), poured in boiling water and stood back. For a few seconds she was triumphant, laughing at my dismissal of the brilliant new invention but then suddenly it imploded, covering the table in hot water and melting slightly tea flavoured chocolate. Mum was silent. I was smug.

Thursday, 17 June 2010

You'll be a Staaaaarrr Maaaannn. Andrew Stone my dream lover.

Last night i had a very loving and sexual dream about Andrew Stone from Pineapple Dance Studios.
Those of you who haven't watched Pineapple... i must say i pity you, in my opinion it was the greatest new program to appear on UK screens for years. Basically it's a reality tv series following the many wonderful and often insane personalities who frequent the studio.

Andrew is one of the teachers at the studio and also is the lead singer of the band Starman. I must say i really like Andrew and have quite a big crush on him. He is a member of one of my favourie types of men: The Harmless Prat.

You see Andrew (from what i have ascertained from the program anyway) has a lot of bad qualities. He is pretentious, incredibly arrogant, self agrandising, vain, rather pervy and overbearing and yet he is very loveable.
You see there is nothing cruel or nasty about him in any way, shape or form. As someone who is certain he is 'the shit' you might expect him to look down his nose at the little people, but he is always friendly and kind. Underneath the arrogance and slight creepiness there's a definate sweetness. There are moments in the show where he is completely genuine and really tender. While he clearly loves himself he is not above taking the piss of himself. There's something innocent about him too, even when he's perving over shop assistants or describing himself as 'sexually organic'. I think it has to do with him being so eager to please, like a small child, he really wants to be loved by everyone, and while this does come across as a little pathetic, it is also sweet and makes me just want to give him a big cuddle against my large matronly bosom and tell him he's loved.

I also am astounded by his insane levels of self confidence, having low self esteem myself i am always amazed by people who have such high opinions of themselves. I really admire the honesty and lack of false modesty. He thinks he is amazing, talented and sexy so why should he pretend to not feel that way? It's refreshing in a way.

 I just find him really very endearing.

He's clearly an amazing dancer and has a real passion and love for it. Also i found this article here and really love what he says:
'Don't ever get wrapped up with what other people think you should look like. It's what you dance like which is what matters. It's the imperfections that make you perfect.
All I require of people when they come to my class is this, you don't have to be the best, you don't have to do it well, but give me 100% and I'll give you 100%. Find out what you love and dedicate yourself to it.'
It makes me happy because i am plump, unfit and generally completely unsuitable to be a dancer, but i love dancing. I've never been to classes due to my shyness and lack of confidence, but i would love to learn to dance properly.  Going clubbing and throwing shapes and showing off my (rather rubbish) moves makes me feel alive and so, so happy. So it's nice that someone from such a prestigious dance school, who could be rather snobbish, instead seems genuinely to just care about the passion his students feel and not care about things like how fit they are, but just wants them to try their best.

I also think he's very handsome. And i like Starman's music, it's so camp and fun!

...It's dead creepy when he does the splits while sitting down though, crotch pointing straight at the camera and legs akimo, toes pointing ballet style.

Anyway in my dream for some reason i was on a camping trip with my friend Xenia, a bunch of people who only exist in the dream and Andrew. Andrew had a giant portable cabin thing instead of a tent and i decided to stay with him because i couldn't be bothered to put up my own tent. We decided to have sex and he got fed up with me because while he waited, naked on the bed, i kept doing things like cleaning my teeth and washing my face and generally just wandering around the little cabin in unattractive pyjamas. But then i finally went to bed with him and we had a cuddle and he started crying out of happiness. I woke up before anything else happened :P

Theres a very interesting article on him here. And check out Starman's official website to listen to their camp disco-pop music.

Monday, 14 June 2010


My cash windfall was a lot less than i was expecting. So no Sinclair C5 for me :(
It's very silly of me, as i am still a LOT better off than i was before, but i'm really rather sad about it. I was looking forward to treating myself to something nice but now i had better not because this way i will stay out of the dreaded overdraft. Oh well, at least i can afford to buy some canvases and a projector :)

I have to go to my sisters house and feed her ferrets. I really love them but it's a 3 hour round trip just to stay there for 5 minutes so it's rather irritating.

Sunday, 13 June 2010

My stupid stupid lust for nonsensical items.

About 2 days ago i discovered, to my surprise and great joy, that i am to come into rather a large sum of money. I am of course delighted as it will get me out of my overdraft and will stop my fiancial worries for now, as long as i am not silly. I am planning to put the vast majority of it into savings but am going to treat myself a little.

Now i am going to buy some sensible things, art supplies, books for inspiration etc. And a small amount of makeup and clothing and such 'normal' things. However my brain appears to be ncredibly stupid. It s crying out for me to make a ridiculous purchase, something i have always fancied but could never ever possibly need. A thing so utterly ludicrous that the rational parts of my mind are screaming at me for even contemplating wanting it, even in jest.

And what is this thing, this utterly stupid thing?

A sinclair C5!

...Oh god, i need to get the money into my savings account RIGHT NOW!!